Cray cray prescriptions

December 18th, 2020

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(published in The Daily Memphian)

(In a colorful place, a new collection of columns from Dan Conaway and Otis Sanford, autographed books now at Novel and Burke’s Book Store. Inquiries, danconaway [at] bellsouth [dot] net.)

Okay, I give up.

Despite all the cases reported – including people we know – people all of us know, say, the President – who’ve contracted it, many of us still believe that COVID-19 is a hoax.

Despite the people dying in record numbers daily from it – including people here I knew, people you knew – many of us still believe those numbers are exaggerated at best if not made up entirely.

Despite the science – hell, despite the common-sense conclusion that spitting on people during an airborne pandemic might be a problem – many of us won’t wear a mask.

Now comes a vaccine. Why take a vaccine if COVID doesn’t exist? If wearing a mask is an attack on personal freedom, sticking something in my arm is outright assault. Besides – and this is my favorite so far – many of us believe the vaccine is actually an attempt by Bill Gates to insert a chip in each of us in order to track and control us.

I have therefore reached a conclusion, and this is a medical term, many of us are clinically and chronically bat-crap cray cray.

So, as I said, I give up. It’s time to resort to tried and true remedies. Science, smience.

When I was a kid, I avoided stepping on cracks in the sidewalk. I must have been successful because while I was doing it, and even after I quit doing it, I never broke my mother’s back. Avoid cracks.

At about the same time I was on the lookout for cracks, I was told that one could “dig a hole to China.” Ergo, that’s where coronavirus came from. I suggest we find the hole and fill it in.

When Nora was a little girl and came to her mother holding her head or her arm where she bumped it, she was told to “hit it with a pillow.” A variation of that is what my father and coaches used to tell me ... “rub some dirt on it” ... “shake it off” ... and this ... “if you can bend it, it’s not broken.”

Keep a positive attitude. Using my father again as an example, anything short of 104 degrees of fever, compound fracture, or full cardiac arrest, is “just a cold.”

Of course, to be on the safe side, keep doing the usual dependable things. You know, like throwing salt over your shoulder. Be sure to take it out of those annoying little salt packets first. Throwing the whole packet doesn’t work. And stay away from 13 of anything. Don’t break any mirrors. Watch out for black cats in your path.

If you’re particularly concerned, 7witchescoven.com offers a protection spell for $34.77. No – unlike everything about COVID hoaxes, vaccine scares, and widespread election fraud – I didn’t make that up.

A personal favorite of mine is to touch both sides of the bedpost when I get up in the morning for luck. That seems to work some days better than others.

Such approaches are sure to free up hospital beds and ventilators for others.

For those of us who believe in the hereafter, there’s a real bonus to all of this. If you ignore science, reject masks and vaccines, you’re increasing your chances and the chances of those you know and love – in fact, the chances of everyone you run into – of getting there before the rest of us.

So, you got that going for you.

Hey, it’s just a cold.

I’m a Memphian, in a mask.

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