Going right back out there anyway

September 10th, 2021

Grits In The Dishwasher

(published in The Daily Memphian)

I’ve shared days like so many of us are having these days, and I’m inspired to share another, but first I have to find my glasses. Again.

The dogs started barking and charged the dog door like zombies were scaling the patio fence, so I went out on the screened porch to look.

Just squirrels. Again. But Putter needs the exercise. And Grits almost caught one this time, and turned to me as if to say, “I almost caught one this time.” And finches were all over the bird feeders ... and I think that’s a woodpecker ... and I need to fill those feeders.

And then the smoke alarm in the kitchen went off. I believe the pork chops are done. And since the sink is full and overflowing, I believe I can turn the faucet off now.

I get lots of email about days like this.

This morning I needed to write a column but looking at a video on my phone of grandchildren splashing in the rain, I realized I also needed to wash the bird crap off my car. What are the odds that many birds could hit my car all at once while I was going down Walnut Grove? Precision daylight bombing.

I opened the garage, walked out, and turned on the hose. I noticed mail in the mailbox and decided to take it in. My phone rang as I came back in the garage to back the car out. Spam. I dropped the car keys on top of the freezer next to the car since I was going right back out there anyway.

That reminded me that I was thinking about cooking pork chops and there were a couple in the freezer that needed to thaw. I looked in there and didn’t see them right away, so I took the mail inside. I could look for the pork chops later since I was going right back out there anyway.

I dropped the mail on the breakfast table and saw my checkbook. Might as well pay the bills and mail them since I was going right back out there anyway.

But first I’ll get the dog bowls out of the way. I put them on the counter and opened the dishwasher, but I couldn’t tell if the stuff in it was clean or dirty. Nora’s not home so I decided to call her and see if she remembers whether or not we turned it on the night before, but I think I left my phone upstairs.

If I was going up there, might as well take the checkbook and the bills up to my office and pay them there.

As I started to return to the breakfast table to get the mail, I saw the empty dog food bag on the counter and opened the door under the sink where the trash can lives. It was full, so I took the bag out and put it on the floor. I’ll take it out to the garbage can in just a sec since I was going right back out there anyway.

I got to the top of the stairs and realized I didn’t have the checkbook, or the bills, and that’s okay because I also realized I didn’t have my glasses either and I’m pretty sure they were downstairs in the living room with my iPad.

Didn’t see my glasses but I did see the dogs through the kitchen door. One had busted open the garbage piñata on the floor and the other was standing in the open door of the dishwasher licking the plates.

That’s when Nora came home and asked how long the garage door had been open, why the hose was flooding the driveway, and what was my phone doing on the hood of the car?

No car or dog bowls washed. No bills paid. No garbage taken out. No bird feeders filled. My glasses were in the refrigerator. We’re still looking for Nora’s. The red ones. We found the tiger print ones. Not the same. It took me the rest of the day to find my keys behind the freezer. Dinner’s going to be late because I had to find and thaw the pork chops.

The pork chops that were just on fire.

Has anybody seen my iPad?

I’m a Memphian, and life these days, in fact most days, is a column.

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