Ranting

Just For Pun

December 4th, 2014

When it’s gray out and in, the sky and my head full of dark and heavy clouds – not to mention post-nasal drip – maybe a good dose of stupid for stupid’s sake is the smartest thing I can take.

Out of all my senses, my sense of humor is the one I can’t afford to lose.

I’m serious.

As published in The Daily News, December 5, 2014, and in The Memphis News, December 6-12, 2014

Discount Tent

SUFFERING FOOLISH.

Just when you think your cold is getting better, it snot.

If you think that’s bad, I’m just getting started.

As I write this, Thanksgiving weekend is winding down and my cold, a gift from my grandchildren, is just getting warmed up. Nora’s gone to church, the dogs have fled to another room, I’m out of Kleenex, and the last sneezing exhibition numbered 18. Not feeling much like writing a column, I opened my email and saw these from my friend Gene:

Fish in schools sometimes take debate.

Thieves who steal calendars get twelve months.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

A will is a dead giveaway.

I groaned, blew my nose again, and, God help me, I smiled. Puns are the perfect antidote and anecdote for taking anything too seriously, and my friends and probably yours send plenty. As I’ve done before, I’m going to pass some along in the hope that we’ll feel a little better after we suffer a little foolishness never intended to be anything else.

From my son-in-law, Kyle:

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

French pancakes give me the crepes.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

A couple of tortured offerings from Alan:

A marine biologist developed genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if fed a steady diet of seagulls. His supply of birds ran out, so he had to go trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

The CIA had an operative in Prague, a diminutive fellow who specialized in eavesdropping. His cover was blown and he was trying to find a safe house during the night. Luckily, his pounding on doors finally brought someone to his aid. Not sure with whom he was speaking, he breathlessly asked, “Can you cache a small Czech?”

From my golfing buddy, Scoop, a pun savant:

A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

In memory of my father-in-law, Doc, from his inexhaustible supply:

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

I’m a Memphian, and I wrote this column just for pun.

 

I'm a Memphian by Dan Conaway

If you don’t read it, I’ll read it to you.

The book is available in print online and all over town and now in audio online at Amazon, Audible and iTunes, read by the author – columns, comments and character references for a city filled with it and often absolutely full of it. Take a look or a listen.

 

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