Ranting

Might As Well Smile

April 24th, 2020

Major Lance

(published in The Daily Memphian)

“I miss the days we were terrified of Romaine lettuce.”

So went one of the many comments and memes on our shared experience that friends have shared with me. I thought I’d share a few with you, curated by me in between organizing files and spices, surfing Apple News, looking at photo albums – yes, I still have photo albums – and watching the bottomless supply of British mystery series on BritBox.

“In case you lost track, today is April 97th.”

BritBox is a good example of what occupies us these days – the deep stuff we’re thinking about. Like why do the Brits avoid the word “the” in front of hospital and weekend? Why is their Parliament plural and our Congress singular? Did you finish the peanuts?

“I’ve eaten 14 meals and taken six naps and it’s still today. Are you kidding me?”

“Anyone else’s car getting three weeks to the gallon at the moment?”

As I wander through cyberspace killing time, suddenly something on my iTunes playlist resonates and I find myself singing it out loud:

There’s a place right across town, whenever you’re ready
Where people gather ‘round, whenever they’re ready
And then the music begins to play
You feel a groove comin’ on its way

Are you ready (are you ready)
Well, you get yours, cause-a I got mine
For the Monkey Time (Monkey Time)
(Monkey Time)

That, of course, is Major Lance and The Monkey Time ­– and, of course, after dancing with the dogs, I googled Major Lance. Bet you didn’t know that his daughter, Keisha Lance Bottoms, is the current mayor of Atlanta. But then you probably never heard of Major Lance ... wait ... our own Al Green just came on ...

“My wife said if I don’t get off the computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she’s jokindsg67sghi3dhgjre749ondwhk-2j4h37shdudkijisd877hr8skoa3y003h3j3uhu3384jesy683j7r”

The dogs are loving Covid-19. We’re here all the time. Here for every squirrel alert. Here to charge the door for every delivery. Here for walks, lap time, ball chasing, floor wrestling, dropping food on the floor ... and dancing to The Monkey Time.

“Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.”

The dogs help us get through it.

“Sitting on the couch, my husband sweetly whispered, ‘The best part about all of this is I get to spend more time with you.’ As I looked over at him lovingly, I realized he was talking to the dog.”

And everybody has observations.

“I’ve washed my hands so much, my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced.”

“Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?”

“If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper to get through a 14-day quarantine you probably should’ve been seeing a doctor long before Covid-19.”

This on a handmade sign ...

“Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.”

A prediction ...

“There will be a minor baby boom in nine months, and then one day in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the Quaranteens.”

From a quarantine diary ... 

“Day 1: I’ve stocked up on enough perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to ride out this pandemic.

“Day 1 + 45 minutes: In the grocery store. Had to have a Twix.” 

And another ...

“Quarantine Day 20: Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.”

And on the second day without sports ...

“Found an attractive lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently, she’s my wife. She seems nice.”

The kids have questions ...

“Hey, Mom, when is this coronavirus thing gonna be over?”

“Just shut up and eat your toilet paper.”

And we’re all being tested ... by the experience, and literally by the test.

“Have you been to any countries experiencing an outbreak of coronavirus in the last two weeks?”

“Yes, the United States.”

Stay sane, my friends, and stay well.

I’m a Memphian, and ... wait ... gotta go ... Rufus and I are about to get busy Walking The Dog.

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