Ranting

My American Story. Again.

August 9th, 2018

It’s official. I’m a funny guy.

In fact, according to the University of Tennessee and the Tennessee Press Association, I’m one of the three funniest people in Tennessee. In their recent awards, one of my columns from last year placed third in the Personal Humor category.

Okay, okay … the contest was limited to newspapers, and the award was for Group III, and there are five groups so, technically, I’m one of the 15 funniest people in Tennessee writing for a newspaper.

I’ll take it.

Funny thing is, I didn’t write the column to be funny. I wrote it to make a point about our silly obsession with past selves to make current selves seem relevant. Seems I made people laugh.

Like I said, I’ll take it.

Leif 3 1968

JUST CALL ME LEIF.

I wrote this a year ago. Recently, the column won an award for humor, but we’ve done so much in this last year to distort the meaning of being American it’s not even funny.

As a kid, I was told I was part Native American on my mother’s side – probably Cherokee, maybe Chickasaw. My mother, aunt and uncles weren’t sure which and how much and my grandmother wasn’t talking, but one look at any of us or my children with our profiles of various 1950’s Pontiac hood ornaments leaves little doubt and more is more likely than less.

That was before Native American ancestry was cool, before we talked much about what we’ve done to our native people, before we became obsessed about being from here, and before we forgot that everybody but Native Americans came from somewhere else. 

I’ve always thought it was cool – claiming a spot here from the get-go, why I never liked Columbus and thought Tonto in buckskins was always cooler than the guy in the mask and leotards, and explaining why my brother and I can’t grow beards and our mustaches are pitiful.

But now I know why our other brother is blond and why my son can grow a beard over a weekend.

We’re no more Native American than the Queen of England.

My wife gave me an AncestryDNA kit for Christmas – Great Britain, 26%. Ireland, 21%. Europe West, 19%. Iberian Peninsula, 11%. And Scandinavia, 20%. Native American? Not even an arrowhead’s worth.

Scandinavia, 20%? I’m boring Brexit white. Viking white.

After telling the family that while a piece of the oil or casino money was out, a discount at Ikea was suddenly possible, my son’s response was best:

“My whole life is a lie.”

Instead of feeling sorry for myself at the loss of American original status, I’ve decided to take advantage of our current alternative facts environment. To wit: 

20% Scandinavian could be Norwegian, which could connect me to Leif Erikson, who was the first European to actually set foot in North America 500 years before Chris, who has his own U.S. stamp, who Congress recognized in 1964 by declaring October 9 as Leif Erikson Day, which is one day before my birthday, which is close enough so … ergo …

I’m related to Leif Erikson. Status restored. Eat your hearts out.

Or maybe not, and maybe we can stop using where we were from millennia or centuries or generations ago to determine what kind of Americans we are today. Maybe we can remember that the person taking the oath in broken English this morning in a courtroom is every bit as much of an American as any of us. Maybe we can remember that welcoming the world to our shores was the original American exceptionalism, and that diversity is our DNA.

If we can remember that, we can see just how forgettable our actions as a nation have become.

I’m a Memphian, and an American, and don’t you forget it.

Come home. DailyMemphian.com

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