Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian truth:

Our sense of humor is how we make sense of it all.

As published in The Daily News, February 3, 2012, and in The Memphis News, February 4-10, 2012

(pictured: Steven Wright, Paraprosdokian Prince)

THE VOICES IN MY HEAD MAY NOT BE REAL, BUT THEY HAVE SOME GOOD IDEAS.

That line, aside from being an apt description of my entire career, is a paraprosdokian – a figure of speech in which the latter part of a phrase causes the reader to re-frame the first part. The comedian Steven Wright makes a living off these things, and you probably have some living in your inbox right now.

My friend Fred Smith – not that one, the funny one – forwarded me a bunch the other day. At the time, I was in heavy pursuit of elusive meaning, deep in dark places seeking light. Within minutes, I was spitting coffee on my keyboard and laughing out loud.

Thanks, Fred.

By the way, there’s plenty of meaning and light in paraprosdokians.

For example:

1. Don’t argue with idiots. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 





6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 


7. Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “Doctor.” 


10. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

11. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.



12. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

13. You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

14. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

15. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.


16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.



17. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

18. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

19. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.



20. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

21. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

22. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

23. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

24. Always borrow money from pessimists. They won’t expect it back.

25. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

And one more. If you didn’t find something funny in there, there’s something funny about you.

I’m a Memphian, and I’m in a better mood.